DC Area Map Drawing Contest

Not really a contest. More of a "let's step inside Jenn's brain, shall we?" non-contest.  Jenn is an undisputed excellent driver. She has spiderman reflexes and a keen ability to maneuver any vehicle in any situation day/night drunk/sober here/there/everywhere. However, Jenn has no idea what direction she is facing at any given point in time. If you ask her to point to where she is on a map, she gets flustered and defensive and sweaty. So naturally, I get a huge kick out of any Jenn/map combo situation. My favorite thing is having her explain to me exactly where she thinks things are in relation to each other. To illustrate, and for my own amusement, I asked Jenn to draw a map of the DC metro area.

Jenn's DC

Erica's DC

I'm pretty sure spiderman has good reflexes.

EDIT: My gchat conversation with Jenn regarding this post:

Jenn: but what the hell

270 north HAS to go north

me: northwest

Jenn: why dont theyf ucking call it that

me: because that's how highways work

Jenn: thats fucking stupid

seriously

im not even laughing

im angry

roads are dumb as fuck

Jenn: i literally have never thought about that

me: AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHA

Jenn: or that the tubing river is the same one thats in dc

you should see my face

right now' its embarrassed and curious

like......are you fucking with me

where does it go hahahahahhaha

like if you asked me if there was a river in dc id just say no

hahahaha where are you christopher columbus

Jenn: but really

where does that river go

like people live on the potomac

all the way to the ocean?

The cat in your picture makes me think you have mommy issues

I have this crazy ass friend named, Cara. She’s on okcupid so I thought, shit, why not.  I made myself a pretty minimal profile (It starts with, "if your profile has the word "ninja" in it, please stop reading now"), added a pic, gave a quick blurb answer for most of the questions. After my traumatizing experience with E-Harmony a few years ago (this girl had NO MATCHES...seriously...FAT UGLY PEOPLE HAVE MATCHES) I had no expectation of the onslaught of messages I was to receive on day one.

For your viewing pleasure in no particular order because #9 is my favorite:



1. “hey, I love playing chess. Do you want to play sometime?” --dweeby black guy with enormous lips

2. “hey there” --asian kid who seriously looked like an anime character

3. Hi :) looking for a laid back friend? --he had 69 in his username.

4. Hello you have a captivating profile!!! I just finished reading your profile and I have to say it's definitely eye-catching and easygoing. You come off pretty down to earth, so it would seem that's a commonality we possess :) What you had to say was very well constructed and it shows nicely. I would love to get to know you better and pick your brain on some of the interesting things you mentioned in your profile, especially your interest in outdoor activities and learning the guitar. Obviously there is a lot more to you that I would want to delve into but I doubt you'd want to read an EXTREMELY long email from me. Suffice it to say, I really liked what I read and couldn't resist dropping you a line. I think we might share a bit more in common and it would be stellar to hear back from you sometime to get to know you better. If not I hope you enjoyed reading this message. Take care
 --like...really. chill out on the first contact. i stopped reading before i started. my favorite thing however, was that in each of his pictures there was a black guy and a white guy. i have no idea which one he is.

5. Hello, my name is John. I came across your profile, and I am very interested in getting to know you more. How's your week so far? Best Regards, John
--How is your week so far? Tell me I'm pretty.

6. Hi just came across your profile, you seem to be an interesting and a fun person to be friends and hang out with so thought it would be nice to send you a message and have a conversation to get to know you more. Look forward:) --Sam
--His username had “intellect” in it.  bye bye

7. How are you doing? Im Nate. --he has some serious chops and has a farm...tempting but nahh.

8. Hi There. Liked your profile. Think we have things in common so, we shuold chat sometime. Looking forward to hesring back from you. Have a nice day! Vic. :-)
--this guy cant spell, is old, and lives far away. His name is also vic.

9. “heh if i wasnt a gentlemen id totally ask to fuck but i curse my parents for raising me right !!!DAMN YOU MOM AND DAD!!!......ahaha joke anyways you seem sweet and chill from reading your profile id love to know more about you btw im pretty opened so ill just say itd be cool to go on a date with you or hang out if you want heh but i guess knowing more about each other would be the more appropriate thing first but wow your really awesome we so gotta talk “
--what is this, GOLD? I have no words. damnit I love this website.

10. The section for private things is really more like a random fun fact and I guess has to be totally harmless. There is nothing creepy about it. I am almost certain there are more creepier things than that on this site. I for one do not post pics here since I think that's creepy. Hahaa! --Ok so there's a section which says, "The most private thing I’m willing to admit"  Mine says, "people who admit private things online to strangers are creepy."  We are 55% enemies. Stop talking to me creep. ALSO part of his profile: "Born, brought up in India and no, we don't eat rats like potato chips but we do smack our kids instead of giving them lousy time outs" hahah

11. Camping is awesomely fun, definitely NOT in AA (been sober for about a week now, thank you very much), I enjoy playing chess (if you win then I definitely let you... That's a lie. I said I enjoyed it, not that I was good at it), I play guitar (and bass and minor in ukulele), and I too speak English fluently. Hi, I'm Jay. --The only person I responded to strictly because he likes natalie dee and toothpaste for dinner. He is however 22. God damnit. Coffee and legos perhaps. 

　Stay Tuned because this is seriously what my love life has come to.

xoxo

Someone Please Shoot Me Before I Turn 50.

I’m the IT person in my office.  By IT person, I mean I can: insert a row in an excel sheet, set your stupid dog’s picture as your desktop background, change your default printer, organize your favorites by name...  It started out pretty flattering, the entire office seriously thinking I was just brilliant.  But now it’s just getting old.  My most recent outrage at just how technologically retarded my coworkers are have been general questions.  Like what a new client’s address is.  Answers to the crossword.  How do I change my email signature.  How do I INSERT A FILE.  Definitions of freaking words.  First of all, I don’t know how to insert your damn excel sheet into a powerpoint—I’m gonna google it.  I am also going to google that address, and the answer to 4 across.  I really just cannot understand the hands up in the air shoulders shrugged approach to doing anything with the computer--and the inability to embrace the ungodly amount of information at your fingertips.  It’s fairly intuitive, and for the love of god the answer for EVERYTHING is on google.  EVERYTHING!!!  But at the rate things are going, who knows, maybe I’ll be computertarded in ten years. 

Mike & Ikes and Jager can DIE

I’m pretty sick...most likely due to basically crushing a 30 by myself this weekend...so I get this organic [expensive] herbal tea to rid me of this old man death cough.  Much to my dismay, the first ingredient is licorice root.  I seriously cannot understand why anyone likes licorice.  Mike & Ikes are pretty much the devil...I’m getting flashbacks of water-mouthed nausea and Halloween just thinking about them.  The only thing worse than Mike & Ikes is Jager.  So I’m at work drinking expensive nausea inducing Jager tea and I’m about to off myself.  Screw you, Jager tea…Screw you.

Erica Loses Everything

Erica is pretty awesome at losing things.  Wallets, keys, bus tickets, concert tickets, lighters...everything.  This past weekend we went tubing at Harper's Ferry.  Five people's purses, phones, keys all left in her car.  What does she lose in the river?  The keys to her car...So, we all post up at the tubing parking lot and wait for her spare set to be delivered to us.  Then we get a phone call that a pedestrian has been killed on the only road between the keys and us.  Oh yea its 100+ degrees outside. 

Blue grass is playing down by the tubing office so we all go sit on these over sized wooden chairs and drink some wine (because drinking all day on the river wasn't enough.)  Then this hipster looking kid walks over to us--zip lining 2 for 5 bucks.  The skinniest girl on the planet harnessed us up and even though it was pretty short, it was super fun.  Definitely worth 2.50.  Then we're all kind of laid out by the car, beat from the 10 hour day we were still stuck in and starving.  An suv carrying a trailer of trash pulls up and stops.  A guy hops out of the car, "You guys hungry?"  So I'm looking at all the trash thinking, this guy is seriously such a dick.  What are they gonna do, open the trash bags?  The other two in the car hop out and bring out catering trays of mac & cheese, beef bbq, burgers, hot dogs, coleslaw, buns.  like...what on earth just happened.  We just went from stranded as shit to being stuck with friends, listening to bluegrass drinking wine, zip lining and having a feast?  I hope Erica loses her keys next time too.  Best day ever.