Duck...Duck...Asshole!

Geese are seriously such assholes. I’m pretty sure most people can recall one of those quintessential childhood moments where you’re feeding the ducks and some aggressive ass goose comes up and gets all buck with you and tries to steal your bread. No? Maybe that was just me, but I think we can still agree they are assholes.

The most recent [repeated] episode where I wanted to strap a bomb onto a goose and watch it explode while I laugh like a crazy person: having to stop my CAR for a WALKING GOOSE. Okay, GOOSE, you can FLY. You basically have a super power. But you‘ve got the nerve to freaking waddle slowly across four lanes of traffic, nearly causing multiple rush hour accidents cuz Pam Anderson Mc‘PETA driving in front me feels the need to escort you going 2mph across the four lane road. I hate you and I hope I’m the first car next time to show up your stupid ballsy goose self.  It will be well worth the body damage.

 

Did you ever notice how July begins with Jew?

The secret to succeeding in any online class while maintaining a social life/sanity is to do the absolute bare minimum.  Every class requires participation in weekly conferences, usually due on Sunday night.  Often, teachers will require participation in the middle of the week to ensure a "lively" discussion takes place.

My current Econ teacher, however, does not. So obviously, I do all of my work on Sunday nights.  Every week, my grade on the conference has been accompanied by statement "urging" me to participate more frequently, which I have ignored because there is no consequence for posting only 1 day a week.

And, every week, my professor, Sol, has grown increasingly militant:




Week 1 - "Making a barrage of posts in a few hours of Sunday does satisfy requirements but does not really allow for student interaction. You and your classmates would benefit if comments were made earlier in the week. This would provide for actual discussion which is the purpose of the activity."

Week 2 - "I would like you to be in more than 1 day a week."

Week 3 - "Making a barrage of posts in a few hours of Sunday does not really allow for student interaction in the conference."

Week 4 - "YOU MUST SHOW UP EARLIER IN THE WEEK TO GET THE FULL BENEFIT OF THE DISCUSSIONS."

Week 5 - "I WANT YOU TO PARTICIPATE MORE THAN 1 DAY A WEEK. IF YOU SHOW UP ONLY ON SUNDAY IN THE FUTURE A DEDUCTION WILL BE MADE IN THE CONFERENCE GRADE."





RUDE. But all my posts for this week are DONE, and it's Tuesday, so... YOU'RE WELCOME, SOL.

The First Rule About Jury Duty

Is “don’t talk about jury duty.” So, I’ll talk about what I can talk about so far.  If your number does not get called in the pre-selection phone call the night before, fear not, you can still show up to jury duty, get out of work, AND fulfill your civic duty. The 8 people in front of me all had not called, each had numbers outside of the group that was called to be present, and rather than the lady just being like “Hey, nimrods, can’t you read the 2 sentences of instructions you got?” she said, “Thank you so much for showing up, if you’d like to stay and fulfill your civic duty please feel free, we appreciate you being here.” Really.

I was entirely too excited to get called for jury duty. Coworkers tried to squash my excitement by telling me how numbingly boring the entire day would be and how I wouldn’t even be selected. The Jury Duty waiting room resembled that of an mva room….chairs and monitors and ugly people. Not sure why every time I do something where I meet new people (school, ce classes, jury duty) that I assume everyone is going to be interesting, attractive, and my age. I did end up sitting right next to my pseudo-aunt which is a little crazy. There was a decent computer lab with pretty unrestricted internet, a collection of decent books and magazines, and 1 or 2 attractive people (1%.) Internet access alone made this potentially boring and disappointing day wonderfully bearable.

I end up getting selected for the first group of 20 or so potential jurors (LUCKY!) for a civil trial (was really hoping for criminal.) The group of jury dutians had lawyers and judges in it which I thought was pretty damn random. During the Voir Dire part (which is where they ask general questions, and if your answer is yes, if it will affect your decision in a trial…yadda yadda) the lady to my left would not stop belching. Seriously. Belching…in a court room. This immediately had me thinking of cucumbers, cuz seriously, who knew: http://cuke.hort.ncsu.edu/cucurbit/wehner/articles/art090.pdf Not sure if she was trying to get out of it, but she got chosen anyway.

Then after the endless Voir Dire, I was the FIRST JUROR SELECTED wooohooo! Only 7 of us got selected out of the batch of 20 something. I could barely contain my excitement. And not only have I been selected without having to wait around all day wanting to stab my eyes out, I got selected for a two day trial. That’s two days paid off work, and a total of $30 extra bucks the court gives.  $30 = a really lovely happy hour.  Thank you, taxpayers.

I’ll give the rest of the details tomorrow to avoid getting put in jail. So far, Jury Duty rocks.