Vulva

Ryan Gosling is overrated.

Harris Teeter can suck my....teet.

First of all...there is nothing new or different about Harris Teeter except that their produce section sucks a LOT and their font for their sign is better than Safeway.  The store set up is confusing...there is no bread section, the whole fucking store is a bread section.  The most annoying thing about this new fake grocery store?  The check out.  What on earth is going on at the register?  What high ass employee thought that some counter intuitive checkout system was a good idea.  "Hey guys, lets get in line here.....but put your cart over there next to the people in the other checkout lane!"  It's like Trader Joe's retarded younger cousin married Food Lion and had a spatially retarded bread obsessed grocery baby. 

I like some anonymity when I’m taking a shit.

I have the most awkward bathroom at work.  It’s two stalls.  Not like one where you can go solo, not like three where you can skip a stall and avoid someone identifying your shoes…two.  Two is SO awkward.  It’s the most awkward when you go in and someone is already in the other stall, you do your biz, and they are still sitting there.  Just chillin.  Probably playing words with friends.  But I feel like I need to haul ass to get out of the bathroom like they are just crossing their fingers that you’ll leave before something explosive happens.  Then it’s real awkward when someone walks in and WASHES THEIR HANDS FIRST just so you will hurry up and get out.  I like order.  I like for you to leave before I do if you’re in there first.  And no talking.  Now, none of this applies if I had an Ally McBeal style bathroom which I do want terribly.

 

Freefest changed my life. Not my wallet.

Notable Things from Freefest 

1. I bought a spicy chicken biscuit at Chick Fila while everyone used their free coupon for breakfast...Then managed to spend not a single dollar at freefest while somebody (everybody?) bought me beers all day. I am still reeeeally confused about this.
 
2. The cops patrolling the tailgate wearing baseball caps, sunglasses, with thumbs tucked under the straps of their back packs--pure hilarity. Glad the ticket scalper pointed them out to us. Here's a picture of some kids pre-arrested, post dumping out their grinder.



5. I came up with this after #4 and didn't feel like re-numbering although i just took as long to explain. The bees at the tailgate were INSANE. it was like a senior prank. Here's a bee trap we created out of mimosa cups:



3. I somehow got crucially lost during The Black Keys by looking to my left for 1.2 seconds and it took my approximately one thousand times that to find anyone I knew. Actually, I was completely lost the entire time at Merriweather. It's like a god damn labrinth and I had no map. not that maps make any sense.


4. Definitely danced with some girl's boyfriend for way too long. ya snooze ya lose, ho.

5. Adam called Deadmau5 "DEAD MOW FIVE" and it's still funny.

6. I woke up Sunday morning in my white sheeted bed with feet that looked like I had mud socks. FAIL.

7. Just realized I have two #5s and I'm not really sure what to do about it.

8. Laser shows at night in the woods are my new favorite thing to have ever happened. I am definitely changed. Ghostland Observatory is so gross.

For everyone who faked on freefest HAHAHAHAHAHAHA you seriously missed out.

Would you like some dick in spicy sauce?

I am great at finding typos.  I really am.  Foreign food menus are like a piñata just waiting to explode with delicious typos.  China Fortune off Stonestreet Ave in Rockville however has taken the cake for menu typos.  I may never search for another.

More pictures from the same menu that just warm my heart.

otherwise NON

Travel Agent Account HAHA what does it meeean?

Puking Social?

 

WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?

Vodka Clean Up, Isle 10.

Things I will never buy store brand of:

 

Paper Towels [I generally find paper towels to be a frivilous purchase--but since this blog made me rich, I started buying paper towels.  However, I bought the giant brand and couldnt figure out what to do with the tissue paper I had bought]

 

Condoms [if the paper towels are any indication of...anything.]

 

Bacon [if you want pinky sized strips of fat, buy store brand.]

 

 

 

Things I will buy store brand of:

 

Vodka [I have yet to see vodka at the grocery store, but you bet yo ass i'm buyin it on day ONE.]

 

Puppies  [I'm impulsive.  sue me.]

 

Cheese [you just can't fuck up cheese.]

 

Baby Quiches [similar reasoning to the cheese.]

 

 

this picture made me feel pretty uncomfortable, and I wanted to share that feeling with all of you.

The people in my office eat shit.

Literally.  Look at this.  Not sure what person in their right mind would happily prance up to the kitchen table with fork and knife excited to dig into this pile of shit, but rest assured, it will be gone before noon. 

Read your groupons, my pretties.

I’m cheap + I also like doing fun things.  I = GROUPON WHORE.  I bought the groupon for half off the crime and punishment museum this past week cuz I mean—there’s a Ted Kaczynski exhibit and that’s gotta be entertaining.  So, I make plans with newguy to go this past Sunday since there was nothing else to do.  We have lunch in Chinatown…make our way to this museum.  I’m looking at our groupons on my phone, chillin in line, readin fine print…and then there it is:  “NOT VALID ON HOLIDAY WEEKENDS!”  What the fuck is Labor Day anyway?  Shouldn’t we be working on Labor Day?  Doesn’t it mean….WORK DAY?

We get out of line like we are too cool for museums and make our way to Ford’s Theatre.  Ok Honest Abe—pretty cool.  Right?  The place where he got shot in the back of the head?  Boring as a muhh fuhhh.  Seriously, I get history.  History is neat.  Looking at a theatre where there is no evidence of a murder and a bunch of abe Lincoln replicas and shit to read?  I’d rather wikipedia that bitch.  The staff was so excited to let us know that the presidential box was open for our viewing pleasure…you know what it was?  Chairs.  You know what there wasn’t?  Gruesome blood spatter.  How does someone get shot in the back of the head and there is NO BLOOD.  Fake ass Ford’s Theater.  Tourists are silly.  I’m really glad that was free. 

 
 

 

Stay tuned for my review of how boring the crime and punishment museum is. 

Aww look at the sad Jew :(

I’ve gotten pictures of the ocean, the grand canyon, but this picture from Erica’s road trip…by FAR the best.

Courtesy of Wellington, Colorado.  Jews for Jesus?

There better be cigarettes in heaven. #fmnsl

It's been 1547 days since I smoked a cigarette.  Not even one solitary cheating drag.  (So for all you lying drag taking quitters, SUCK IT!)  I basically regret quitting completely.  If the savings hadn't amounted to me making a car payment on my car--I would be smoking right now.  I'm basically unhappy...with more money.  I'd probably trade the money for the happiness.  Today's Natalie Dee made me want to laugh and cry and smoke and make it rain cig dollars all at the same time.  Fuck my non smoking life. 

 

 

 

miss you, smoke breaks.  love you, car.  catch you on the flip side, cigs.

 

LOVE me some typos.

Brought to you by the CVS picture developer at Rockville Town Center.  Thanks newguy.

 

Also, who gets married on a Wednesday?  That's just inconvenient, Fatima.

Come on Irene

So there's a pretty legit hurricane coming.  I'm going with the whole denial thing and rather than "fill up my bathtub with water" and "stock up on batteries" (pretty sure my entire office is doing that)  I went to the grocery store for rice krispy treat supplies.  IT IS HILARIOUS the franticness.  NO water, NO batteries...families of three with entire carts full of the hilarious purified baby water (that's all that's left.)  Like...really people?  It's not snowing, and it's going to rain...water.  And if the power's out and my water's not running...i'm sure my brita and spit will suffice.  Moral of the story--go to the grocery store, now.  It's hilarious.

Bear Fight

I kind of had a fake birthday party last night.  It was pretty much more fun than all of my other birthdays.  My friends got me a bear fight.  Don’t know what a bear fight is?  Well here you go:  http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Bear%20Fight

I run to the bathroom real quick, come back to take this bear fight and everyone is kind of looking at me and laughing…which is pretty normal so I thought nothing of it.  Then like a noob, I didn’t drop the shot into the glass…I just took the shot of jager, then chugged the guiness…then I picked up the baileys and everyone is like, HAHAHAHAHA.  They SWITCHED the shots…not that it really mattered since I was doing it wrong anyway, but taking a shot of baileys then chugging redbull is disgusting.  Just sayin.