The cat in your picture makes me think you have mommy issues

I have this crazy ass friend named, Cara. She’s on okcupid so I thought, shit, why not.  I made myself a pretty minimal profile (It starts with, "if your profile has the word "ninja" in it, please stop reading now"), added a pic, gave a quick blurb answer for most of the questions. After my traumatizing experience with E-Harmony a few years ago (this girl had NO MATCHES...seriously...FAT UGLY PEOPLE HAVE MATCHES) I had no expectation of the onslaught of messages I was to receive on day one.

For your viewing pleasure in no particular order because #9 is my favorite:



1. “hey, I love playing chess. Do you want to play sometime?” --dweeby black guy with enormous lips

2. “hey there” --asian kid who seriously looked like an anime character

3. Hi :) looking for a laid back friend? --he had 69 in his username.

4. Hello you have a captivating profile!!! I just finished reading your profile and I have to say it's definitely eye-catching and easygoing. You come off pretty down to earth, so it would seem that's a commonality we possess :) What you had to say was very well constructed and it shows nicely. I would love to get to know you better and pick your brain on some of the interesting things you mentioned in your profile, especially your interest in outdoor activities and learning the guitar. Obviously there is a lot more to you that I would want to delve into but I doubt you'd want to read an EXTREMELY long email from me. Suffice it to say, I really liked what I read and couldn't resist dropping you a line. I think we might share a bit more in common and it would be stellar to hear back from you sometime to get to know you better. If not I hope you enjoyed reading this message. Take care
 --like...really. chill out on the first contact. i stopped reading before i started. my favorite thing however, was that in each of his pictures there was a black guy and a white guy. i have no idea which one he is.

5. Hello, my name is John. I came across your profile, and I am very interested in getting to know you more. How's your week so far? Best Regards, John
--How is your week so far? Tell me I'm pretty.

6. Hi just came across your profile, you seem to be an interesting and a fun person to be friends and hang out with so thought it would be nice to send you a message and have a conversation to get to know you more. Look forward:) --Sam
--His username had “intellect” in it.  bye bye

7. How are you doing? Im Nate. --he has some serious chops and has a farm...tempting but nahh.

8. Hi There. Liked your profile. Think we have things in common so, we shuold chat sometime. Looking forward to hesring back from you. Have a nice day! Vic. :-)
--this guy cant spell, is old, and lives far away. His name is also vic.

9. “heh if i wasnt a gentlemen id totally ask to fuck but i curse my parents for raising me right !!!DAMN YOU MOM AND DAD!!!......ahaha joke anyways you seem sweet and chill from reading your profile id love to know more about you btw im pretty opened so ill just say itd be cool to go on a date with you or hang out if you want heh but i guess knowing more about each other would be the more appropriate thing first but wow your really awesome we so gotta talk “
--what is this, GOLD? I have no words. damnit I love this website.

10. The section for private things is really more like a random fun fact and I guess has to be totally harmless. There is nothing creepy about it. I am almost certain there are more creepier things than that on this site. I for one do not post pics here since I think that's creepy. Hahaa! --Ok so there's a section which says, "The most private thing I’m willing to admit"  Mine says, "people who admit private things online to strangers are creepy."  We are 55% enemies. Stop talking to me creep. ALSO part of his profile: "Born, brought up in India and no, we don't eat rats like potato chips but we do smack our kids instead of giving them lousy time outs" hahah

11. Camping is awesomely fun, definitely NOT in AA (been sober for about a week now, thank you very much), I enjoy playing chess (if you win then I definitely let you... That's a lie. I said I enjoyed it, not that I was good at it), I play guitar (and bass and minor in ukulele), and I too speak English fluently. Hi, I'm Jay. --The only person I responded to strictly because he likes natalie dee and toothpaste for dinner. He is however 22. God damnit. Coffee and legos perhaps. 

　Stay Tuned because this is seriously what my love life has come to.

xoxo